Things I’m Afraid to Tell You

I’m not perfect. Nobody is. We all have things about ourselves that we’d prefer nobody else know about. I’m here to jump on this blogging trend, inspired by Rachel Hollis, to try and put myself out there in a way I haven’t before and I’m hoping the outcome is that you realize how similar we can all be. Maybe we have some of the same unhealthy tendencies or anxieties or thoughts, but we’d never know because it’s too taboo to talk about!

Well, FUNK that. Here goes nothin’.

I used to drink too much. There was a time last year when I was going to happy hour 4 out of the 5 days during a work week, having 2-3 beers per night and maybe going home and finishing off a bottle of wine. It was unproductive, unhealthy, and ultimately made me unhappy. So why did I keep doing it? Because I thought it was an accessible outlet to my stress. And yes, it was accessible. Arguably, too accessible. Luckily, I’ve been able to get it under control and I do not drink to the level that I used to. I just want to put out there that there are way better outlets than drinking. Drinking just leads to more problems that make you want to drink even more! Not to mention the toll it takes on the people around you when you start acting like a complete, irritable asshat all the time because of the alcohol.

I have anger management issues. I get angry. Really angry. Angry to the point where I have punched holes in walls, cracked car windows, and broken my hand twice. It’s something that didn’t really start until my early to mid twenties and it’s mostly under control now (thanks Abilify, you the real MVP). My anger issues stem from my bipolar tendencies and my ability to just switch, seemingly out of nowhere. I haven’t felt that way in months now, but damn. When it was bad, it was bad. I had to find a healthier outlet and that’s been taking meds and working out and giving myself different options to cope other than straight, fiery rage.

Let’s be totally honest, I’m a social media whore. I care about the number of likes and followers and getting the perfect selfie and editing it to a point of ridiculousness. So much of that comes from insecurities (no matter how confident I may seem) that we all face and that’s the problem in our digital world. It’s so easy to compare ourselves to others and that’s where some of my insecurities stem from too; wanting to feel like I’m on par with my peers or with the people I follow on Instagram. I know, fundamentally, the number of followers I have has nothing to do with my real life. I only put on social media what I want people to see, as do you. Hence, why I am writing this post about the things I typically don’t tell people about.

I still struggle with my mental health. As much of an open book I am about my mental health and what has worked for me to live with it in a productive way, I still struggle. There are nights when I still have suicidal thoughts, nights when all I do is cry uncontrollably, and days where my OCD gets so bad, it’s kept me awake for an extra hour. Living with mental health issues is a lifestyle that we aren’t really given a choice in, rather we just have to learn to live with the hand we are dealt. Therefore, it’s okay to not have it under control on a daily basis; nobody should expect you to!

I hope my confessions didn’t totally scare you off, I promise I’m a totally normally abnormal person. But it’s 2019 and I’m here to start fresh and that means being honest with all of you! I hope it inspires you to do the same 🙂

Until next time,

xoxo, H

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